Backtracking

Today I finally worded something I'd been trying to for over a year out to someone. Yess I think this is the beginning to something. Cryptic blogging ftw, lol. Anyways...

Raw-ish lame time again. About hearts lol. I know...hearts. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I haven't blogged in a while now eh. Buuut...some of you guys probably know I have a sketchbook that I kind of half turned into a notebook that I write things for myself in...things that I learn. Things from sermons, from bible studies, from SYC (Summer Youth Celebration...it's coming up again soooooon:D!!!), time alone with God, Sunday school classes, retreats, random thoughts, life, whatever. I've had a couple but I started using this one more during SYC last year when Glenn Watson was the speaker. I was just looking through it and remembering the things that I had learned from certain things that I had written and one of the things was something God said to Carl that he shared with us when he telling us his testimony: "I want your heart to show on the outside." I find this such a struggle sometimes...not because I always have a hard time (partially:P) showing it, but because...what about the whole "protecting your heart" aspect? Although you may learn to protect it to a certain extent, what about the people who happen to find the gate in the fence that is around it? I always hate it when people tell me about whatever wall they've built up around themselves and the isolation they trap themselves in, but really, if you think on the contrary...the balance between having the heart "show on the outside" and (for lack of a better way to say it) letting people have maybe too much(?) access to it is so hard to keep for me. For friends, for the guy/girl if there is one for you, for coworkers and other peers....for these people to have access to your heart...is it too much vulnerability? Can it get to be too much? For both of you in that relationship? Over the last two years...looks like it can sometimes.

I think probably a lot of people could agree with the fact that sometimes, in the last few years, mine has kind of gotten to show on the outside. I know some would say it shows too much and is maybe too easy to get to. I would have to sooort of disagree with that (although friiiggn...those who actually really get to it, seem to never lose that access or something=( even after prolonged periods of time...), because you know what? It's changed up a bit. So please stop with the hating. I'm workin' on it, kay?? Gosh.

P.S. I know I didn't really elaborate on what I think God means when He tells us to show our hearts on the outside. But I can't right now on account of my brain being outta whack.

Kthxbai.