Weird Anger

So something weird happened. Encounter #1: All of a sudden it was back to the way it was, and every time after that, it was comfortable and joyful each time. The dull and muddy enjoyment that came with the long separation became a once-again fresh love, rekindled for my lost friend. There were even attempts (wow...effort? I was so pleasantly surprised! And I felt like everything was alright in the world...in my world) to get together. I was so glad! Then a regretful "yes" was said and thus Encounter #2 took place. My insecurities, silence and awkwardness came out in the situation, as they always do in such settings with such people - people I do not know and cannot seem to, for the life of me, converse with. And then the distance grew.

Really? Seriously...really? Something that could be so good again, something that could return to health. Thrown against the stupid brick wall of that place and broken to pieces. How can one slight fact change it to the point of evaporation? As if that fact is the foundation of a friendship. Of ours. It hurts a lot. You've made me so angry. This weird piercing anger. Ugh.

Maybe sometime soon I'll stop being chicken and tell you to your face.

We're both good actors.

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song

You can't believe it, you were always singing along

It was so easy, and the words so sweet

You can't remember, you try to feel the beat

You spend half of your life, trying to fall behind

You're using your headphones to drown out your mind

It was so easy, and the words so sweet

You can't remember, you try to move your feet.

Growth

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Everyday

1. Holiness - Am I progressively moving away from sin?

2. God's Word - Is God's Word food to me, and am I spending time in it?

3. Worship- Am I worshipping regularly, both privately and corporately?

4. Sharing faith - Am I sharing my faith regularly?

5. Stretching faith - Am I stretching my faith regularly, stepping out of my comfort zone to a place where I depend on God?

6. Prayer - Am I daily talking and listening to God in prayer?

7. Solitude - Have I been alone with God enough to hear his voice clearly?

8. Serving - Am I serving with the abilities God has given me?

9. Spiritual Progress - Am I further along in my relationship with God than I was a year ago?

10. Accountability - Have I made myself accountable to another trustworthy brother or sister for my spiritual maintenance and growth?

Free Refill by Mark Atteberry. I would link it but I don't really recall how to do that and I fail at finding out apparently, so that's too bad. If someone wants to teach me that'd be excellent!

:)

Frustration.

Something that has been frustrating me immensely for the last maybe half year just slapped me in the face a couple days ago. I don't know why I'm blogging about it now. Maybe it's because I've started to try to get into the habit of not approaching or confronting when angry, but waiting for a later time when the anger boils down. But then I think in this case, the anger will come again as I type it out.

Sometimes when people treat you like crap, even when you know it's wrong and you know that you should say something about it, you don't. But there comes a time when those persons treat someone else that you care about in the same way and it gets to be too much. And when you find out about it, and hear what was said, considering the fact that words are usually the strongest "weapon," it wells up inside of you and bursts out of your vocals in a huge "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ________?!?!!!!???!!! UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!" and an urge to commit violence (i.e. a slap across that person's face). This does NOT happen often with me. Or ever. Actually I think I've never wanted to slap someone across the face before. But this is one of those things that takes the cake. How can one let themselves become this way? To degrade another individual in such a manner? And in public. How?!!?

I will be frank. The person I speak of that I'm angry at is someone I work with. I am realizing now that I am posting this is a sort of attempt to decide whether or not to speak with the general manager about it lest the futures for other employees darken when I leave. I almost feel like it is my responsibility. Should I?

-Edit-

I talked to the general manager with discretion, and the person somehow found out and hates me now. Oh well.

Horror.

Utter horror.

I unfortunately couldn't go to church this morning due to the fact that every person who works at the place I work at has booked their vacations for this long weekend, leaving I and one other person to work this entire weekend. After work, I walk to the bus stop like usual...across the parking lot, across the vehicle entrance to the parking lot, across the worn down, faded yellow grass toward the shelter standing there. And then.

There is a rabbit lying there. It is dead. Its eyes are open. Beady, black, OPEN eyes.

Shock.

Scream, screaamm. Scream. Run to the other side of the shelter. Something like a heart attack. Wait squirming and shuddering for 5 minutes for the stupid bus to take me away from the horror lying within 10 ft of me. Get on the bus, probably quivering, get off, shivering. Visions of dead rabbit with open eyes lying in every area where there is grass, trees, or sidewalk.

...I'm scarred for life.

- and love.

I know exactly how you feel

You were this close to closing deals now

When everything fell from out your hands

You were forced to decide on other plans now

You figured it best to just ignore it

Otherwise you're only living for it.

I will choose not to elaborate on that for now. Haha. But on the other hand, <3! I am buying a California chicken crepe for lunch/dinner (it was about 4:30 and I hadn't eaten yet...which one was it?) and who do I see but Stephen!! And Tracy, his gf:D I had just went to Bubbles with them and Gdi (and Siyao) on Sunday night. So I cry out "STEVE!^^" with delight and he turns and his face lights up. He then comes over with his Stephen grin and I say "Tracy!" and she sees me and comes over too, with her friend. Then she introduces me to her friend (Julie?) and says "this is Stephen's best friend!" Then she turns to me and says "and this is my best friend=)" and Steve grins and hugs me. It was so happy. It was just the best thing ever. I know Steve loves me but! I didn't realize I was his best friend<3 It created a smile on my face and on my heart too. How lovely<3 Oh Steve=)

That's all. Don't judge me.

[01:00:25] !!! says:
JANET ARE U THERE
[01:00:30] !!! says:
JANNETTT
[01:00:31] !!! says:
JANNNET
[01:00:33] !!! says:
JANNNETTTt

[01:14:01] janet 아퍼 says:
HI=D
[01:14:21] !!! says:
OMGOSHH
[01:14:24] !!! says:
JANNETTTTT
[01:14:28] !!! says:
I MISS YA YOOO
[01:14:30] !!! says:
like
[01:14:32] !!! says:
str8 up
[01:14:34] !!! says:
XD
[01:14:56] janet 아퍼 says:
i miss you tooooooooo man

[01:27:47] janet 아퍼 says:
=D
[01:49:38] !!! says:
NIGHT SOUL SISTAAA
[01:49:42] !!! says:
im so
[01:49:43] !!! says:
dead
[01:49:44] !!! says:
XD
[01:49:45] !!! says:
night
[01:49:46] !!! says:
:)
[01:53:24] janet 아퍼 says:
<3 goodnight soul brotha hahahahahaha

Gold.

Nananana, nananana, hey hey hey, goodbye

BYE NATHAN. Have fun in Edmonton away from all the poop jokes and the viewings of Buting and I beating each other up/headlocks that I get trapped in. -edit- Of course you deserve more than a measly line and a half about poop! Thanks for being the (Nathan) Sun while Calgary still lacked the sunshine! You're special too! Despite your enjoyment in street water mist spray, "hey", that's what she said, etc. In fact, just thinking back...you were always lovely to me. All the time! HAHA... -_-. Jk. You'll be missed. Don't ditch us entirely. We shall continue sending you good concert/main performance vids for your viewing pleasure. If you share them w your Edmonton friends maybe it'll go as viral as your fave Rebecca. It'll go NATIONAL. The star will be famous. Maybe you can even get an autograph from the star if you come visit us. Do ittt!:)

Bye Maddo Madmad. January became the end of April and in 6 hours' time it will be time for you to board the flight back to Waterloo =( I miss you already. We love you and will miss you oh so much. Poor Auntie Nan. Poor Yuen girls. Poor David Bates. And poor Maddo's friends. But mostly poor Auntie Nan hahah:P Who knows, maybe the next four months will pass by as quickly as the last four did. Love from us to you!!

That is all. =(

A closer look

There's been a lot of thinking being done lately on my part about certain things in my life. Taking a semi-brief look at it (my life currently), it's kind of average I guess. Some good, some bad.

But when I actually look at it knowing that there is some good and some bad, I realize just how much of each there is. I know that the beginning of this year seems to have been pretty much a miserable time, and for a lot of people around me too. People's lives lost, jobs and school taking their toll on oneself, directions blurred. These are the big things that people tend to focus on more, but I was talking to a good friend of mine (she is leaving Calgary in 8 hours:(...moving to Ontario) and she told me about something good that had happened the previous day. It was one of the first real good things she had shared with me for a while, among the many trials she had been and is currently going through. It made me realize once again that although there are all of these things weighing us down...where is our focus on the little joys in life? For me they are the way a friend's eyes crinkle and tear up when she laughs really hard, the time in my day during which I am able to just sit and let my music flow into my ears in bliss, delicious and long breakfasts with beloved friends, mom telling me to get lost when I force a hug and kiss on her while she's reading the mail, the moment the macro on my point-and-shoot hits its focus on the point I want it to be, a lovely and unexpected generosity, a toddler just clutching his dad's forehead for dear life as he sits on dad's shoulders, the way my grande half-sweet white mocha tastes when it's just the right temperature, the vibration the guitar emanates when I have time to jam by myself, random lunches with Gdi, random visits at work from some of my favourite, favourite people...and just friends who make my heart smile. :)

Where have we lost sight in the fact that our generous God gives us so many blessings that take place every single day? Life is so much more enjoyable and amazing when such things are appreciated and treasured. It should happen more often.

Backtracking

Today I finally worded something I'd been trying to for over a year out to someone. Yess I think this is the beginning to something. Cryptic blogging ftw, lol. Anyways...

Raw-ish lame time again. About hearts lol. I know...hearts. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I haven't blogged in a while now eh. Buuut...some of you guys probably know I have a sketchbook that I kind of half turned into a notebook that I write things for myself in...things that I learn. Things from sermons, from bible studies, from SYC (Summer Youth Celebration...it's coming up again soooooon:D!!!), time alone with God, Sunday school classes, retreats, random thoughts, life, whatever. I've had a couple but I started using this one more during SYC last year when Glenn Watson was the speaker. I was just looking through it and remembering the things that I had learned from certain things that I had written and one of the things was something God said to Carl that he shared with us when he telling us his testimony: "I want your heart to show on the outside." I find this such a struggle sometimes...not because I always have a hard time (partially:P) showing it, but because...what about the whole "protecting your heart" aspect? Although you may learn to protect it to a certain extent, what about the people who happen to find the gate in the fence that is around it? I always hate it when people tell me about whatever wall they've built up around themselves and the isolation they trap themselves in, but really, if you think on the contrary...the balance between having the heart "show on the outside" and (for lack of a better way to say it) letting people have maybe too much(?) access to it is so hard to keep for me. For friends, for the guy/girl if there is one for you, for coworkers and other peers....for these people to have access to your heart...is it too much vulnerability? Can it get to be too much? For both of you in that relationship? Over the last two years...looks like it can sometimes.

I think probably a lot of people could agree with the fact that sometimes, in the last few years, mine has kind of gotten to show on the outside. I know some would say it shows too much and is maybe too easy to get to. I would have to sooort of disagree with that (although friiiggn...those who actually really get to it, seem to never lose that access or something=( even after prolonged periods of time...), because you know what? It's changed up a bit. So please stop with the hating. I'm workin' on it, kay?? Gosh.

P.S. I know I didn't really elaborate on what I think God means when He tells us to show our hearts on the outside. But I can't right now on account of my brain being outta whack.

Kthxbai.

In the eye of the beholder

You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful

You perceive all of these things
I’d never have known.

You painted me in pastel,
colors that don’t tell of any boldness.
That’s the way you’d love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.

Body in a box

I regretfully cannot, although I had known her pretty much all my life, say that I was heartbroken at her leaving this world to join with the Father up there. I just...didn't share a closeness like that with her. And I feel that, not even thinking about the extremity of paradise in heaven, it's just so much better up there for her than...down here. But I think this was and is a case of celebration, because she has gone to a place with no sickness, no pain, no restrictions. "Eternity...where death is just a memory and tears are no more." Albeit the sense of loss, there is also a happiness there, for she is with the One her heart yearned to be with all along.

However, in terms of "down here," I can still say that this one was still heartbreaking...seeing mom go up there to give her eulogy. It was the worst...the pain in her heart bursting through her eyes in the form of tears that were forcing their way out, in spite of the immense effort to keep them in. I had never seen her that way...even if I'd seen tears from her in the past, this was much worse than I imagined :(. And the things she said to me...what am I supposed to do =\...? And what to say? I am at a loss.

Man...this weekend has been a taxing one to say the least...

Bittersweet

Today was a good but sad day.

Goodbye Ang. We'll miss you very dearly.

:(

Struggles

"I'll set You as a seal upon my heart...
as a seal upon my arm"

Turning points

It's strange...strange how things can change so much in such a short amount of time. It's just like what I was saying two(?) posts ago, where you can be just enjoying life in one location yet somewhere else someone of relation to you is doing the opposite.

I guess I might as well just come out and say it. She's gone...

But there are two sides to this. There's our side, and there's her's and heaven's. Although on our side, grief, loneliness and mourning reign...I know that it is safe to say that God and the angels are up there with her, partying. She's ultimately in a better place, a joyful place with Him in paradise. Especially in comparison with a depressing hospice where your sister repetitiously assumes aloud that you'd be unable to "do that," your nephew shows up just to play on his DS or watch things on the lobby TV, and your best friend can only show up on occasion. Where you painfully sat out the rest of your days knowing that you'd be sitting out the rest of your days in pain. Praise God that she had peace in her last days knowing she was going Home.

I was in a car the other night and a song came on with joyful lyrics announcing His return to be coming soon, which is sooo exciting. But with this coming also comes the end of the time we have to share His good news and His love with others who need it...are we up to the challenge? "Yes" we say, but then how many of us actually have been taking the steps to be fishers of men? Fishers in the time of Peter didn't "go fishing" like some do now, with all the time in the world and a single rod, waiting for hours on end for the fish to come to him. They pursued and gathered and put a lot of work into it. It's not always going to be cases like this, where the deceased had already entered into the salvation of Christ, and I know that there are ones in the past of whom have been mourned all the more, knowing that they would not be one of the people I'd be able to see up There. Yet I've been finding it an unnerving struggle to step outside of my "comfort zone" where I just "live the life of a Christian" with everyone around me knowing that "I go to church Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday mornings." They all know that I have about 30-35 kids, all of whom I love immensely. They all know I'm not a swearing kinda girl. They all think I'm "really nice." But how do I take the further steps?

I'm scared.

But it says in Matthew that faith the size of the tiny mustard seed is enough to move mountains - your mountains of doubt, fears...of whatever hindrances they may be. I have to ask myself whether or not I've been forgetting that it is God who works, speaks and changes, not I. It's been too late before. Lives are at stake. The words of Leeland continue to stand true: "This is an emergency."

Just things:)

Haha. This post has so much relevance. And it's not all over the place at all.

1) I used to wonder (while I still worked at American Eagle) why in the world so many people would get to the mall earlier than stores would even open, just to stand at doorways and wait...wait...wait until 10 am. Although I still do not have the answer to that, I did discover this morning - it seems that people that roam this strip of the mall (the section where I work now) don't stand at doors like they did when I used to work at AE. This morning I got to work about half an hour early (I needed to be there by 9:20am) and was just sitting around for a bit enjoying a delicious tumblerful of double shot americano, and as I sat there I noticed quite a lot of people (usually about a pair per 5-10 seconds) walking around at brisk paces. Instead of standing at doors...they take walks. Not the slow, aimless kind of walk that window shoppers take...but fast-paced ones, often with running shoes, visors, and a fleece long-sleeve tied around their waists. LOL. It was quite something. What is more is that they go through the lengths of reaching the corner between the entrances to Toys 'R Us and The Bay before changing the course of their paths. Hilarious. It was the gem to my morning.

2) I managed to S.N.O.W. it up again last night:D it was rockin' and I loved it. Ohh happy day, happy day! I don't think I've smiled with such joy in a long time. God just filled the place up! I had the pleasure of praising and just worshipping Him with a friend who hadn't stepped foot into a church in a long time. It was sick. He said he'd want to come next month too woooo! And I think it was Tim Tom or Gabe Yee who said something like "not a person in this room is here by coincidence - He has called each one of us here." Keeping this friend of mine and a couple others in my prayers! Woooooo:D

3) Breakfast/brunch at Cora's again!!!! Twice in two weeks:)! Heavenly. And!! With someone who hasn't failed, each time we interact, to make me smile each time since the day we officially "met" haha. I am already starting to love this girl haha:D OH, such joy. I'm quite excited bahaha.

Okay bye. :).

What breaks Yours

I was just thinking about something today - how the world co-exists. How our society lives together. How friends meet up and chill for the day, or how employees of a company work together for any amount of time. How one has a conversation with another, and how much is hidden behind the possible facades. How it's not expected that you know everything that is going on with the person you are interacting with, but that doesn't change the fact that he/she is going through it. In a conversation, the two individuals could be on opposite sides of the scale, one having an awesome day and the other having a tough time getting through his/hers. Yet the people in this day and age seem to have been taught to "be strong" and have a certain consistency with the way they act, therefore not revealing an extra smile, nor a frustration of the heart. To not always show on the outside whether or not their lives are going extra well, or poorly. So those two people in that conversation could be talking, but still be deceived by any masks put on by each other.


I've been thinking...if, even through a "standard" interaction, there is no negative emotion shown or voiced...what if (I know..."what if") it's still existent? I know what it's like to be hiding something while talking to someone as if it was just an average whatever day. What if one of the pair is struggling with something, and this slightly obligatory conversation is carrying on as if he/she wasn't? It just seems so...=\. I don't really know what the point of this post is. But I was sorting out (oh man...such an ordeal) some of my iTunes library today and played a little of my Hillsong music, and Hosanna came on. For such a popular "trendy" congregation song (I won't get into that right now), this one is actually so close to my heart. Some of the lyrics that hit me the most are "break my heart for what breaks Yours." I don't know...even though sometimes we as human beings can't really tell whether or not something is up with our friends, coworkers, or peers, (this is gonna sound cliche) God always, always knows. I find that so awe-striking. And for anyone (hahahahahaha I bet there's no one!) who reads this at all, I hope you find it encouraging that He does, and even better, that He's the only one who can actually do what's best for you to get you through whatever it is. But in the meantime...I'm always trying to apply those lyrics to my life, so if you're okay with it, I'd want to do what I can to help you out:)

Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Happy New Year

I'd like to say that, one hour into the Chinese New Year, it's already going really good. But I can't. I'd be lying. I'm just remembering now at the beginning of my "blogging experience" with this blog...that I said something about revealing my life at its most raw. This is it. Tears have already been shed and I've already been broken. Words that I'm ashamed of have already been screamed in my head. It's just adding emphasis to my last post - a new year doesn't always mean new things. Some things continue to force themselves to be prevalent in our lives no matter how much we say we don't need them to be there.

I seriously don't know. All I know is that in the tears I was able to blindly pick up my older-than-life guitar with twangy strings that need replacing (what am I saying. The guitar itself needs replacing:P) and play it. I started playing every song I knew until I could calm down...and the song that did the job was one that I was singing to God.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger and rich in love
The Lord is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger and rich in love

And the Lord is good to all
He has compassion
On all that He has made

As far as the east is from the west
That's how far He has removed our transgressions from us
As far as the east is from the west
That's how far He has removed our transgressions from us

Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord, oh my soul
Praise the Lord

Always reminding me just Who is sovereign. Thank you, my Heavenly Father. I love you.