Frustration.

Something that has been frustrating me immensely for the last maybe half year just slapped me in the face a couple days ago. I don't know why I'm blogging about it now. Maybe it's because I've started to try to get into the habit of not approaching or confronting when angry, but waiting for a later time when the anger boils down. But then I think in this case, the anger will come again as I type it out.

Sometimes when people treat you like crap, even when you know it's wrong and you know that you should say something about it, you don't. But there comes a time when those persons treat someone else that you care about in the same way and it gets to be too much. And when you find out about it, and hear what was said, considering the fact that words are usually the strongest "weapon," it wells up inside of you and bursts out of your vocals in a huge "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ________?!?!!!!???!!! UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!" and an urge to commit violence (i.e. a slap across that person's face). This does NOT happen often with me. Or ever. Actually I think I've never wanted to slap someone across the face before. But this is one of those things that takes the cake. How can one let themselves become this way? To degrade another individual in such a manner? And in public. How?!!?

I will be frank. The person I speak of that I'm angry at is someone I work with. I am realizing now that I am posting this is a sort of attempt to decide whether or not to speak with the general manager about it lest the futures for other employees darken when I leave. I almost feel like it is my responsibility. Should I?

-Edit-

I talked to the general manager with discretion, and the person somehow found out and hates me now. Oh well.

Horror.

Utter horror.

I unfortunately couldn't go to church this morning due to the fact that every person who works at the place I work at has booked their vacations for this long weekend, leaving I and one other person to work this entire weekend. After work, I walk to the bus stop like usual...across the parking lot, across the vehicle entrance to the parking lot, across the worn down, faded yellow grass toward the shelter standing there. And then.

There is a rabbit lying there. It is dead. Its eyes are open. Beady, black, OPEN eyes.

Shock.

Scream, screaamm. Scream. Run to the other side of the shelter. Something like a heart attack. Wait squirming and shuddering for 5 minutes for the stupid bus to take me away from the horror lying within 10 ft of me. Get on the bus, probably quivering, get off, shivering. Visions of dead rabbit with open eyes lying in every area where there is grass, trees, or sidewalk.

...I'm scarred for life.

- and love.

I know exactly how you feel

You were this close to closing deals now

When everything fell from out your hands

You were forced to decide on other plans now

You figured it best to just ignore it

Otherwise you're only living for it.

I will choose not to elaborate on that for now. Haha. But on the other hand, <3! I am buying a California chicken crepe for lunch/dinner (it was about 4:30 and I hadn't eaten yet...which one was it?) and who do I see but Stephen!! And Tracy, his gf:D I had just went to Bubbles with them and Gdi (and Siyao) on Sunday night. So I cry out "STEVE!^^" with delight and he turns and his face lights up. He then comes over with his Stephen grin and I say "Tracy!" and she sees me and comes over too, with her friend. Then she introduces me to her friend (Julie?) and says "this is Stephen's best friend!" Then she turns to me and says "and this is my best friend=)" and Steve grins and hugs me. It was so happy. It was just the best thing ever. I know Steve loves me but! I didn't realize I was his best friend<3 It created a smile on my face and on my heart too. How lovely<3 Oh Steve=)

That's all. Don't judge me.

[01:00:25] !!! says:
JANET ARE U THERE
[01:00:30] !!! says:
JANNETTT
[01:00:31] !!! says:
JANNNET
[01:00:33] !!! says:
JANNNETTTt

[01:14:01] janet 아퍼 says:
HI=D
[01:14:21] !!! says:
OMGOSHH
[01:14:24] !!! says:
JANNETTTTT
[01:14:28] !!! says:
I MISS YA YOOO
[01:14:30] !!! says:
like
[01:14:32] !!! says:
str8 up
[01:14:34] !!! says:
XD
[01:14:56] janet 아퍼 says:
i miss you tooooooooo man

[01:27:47] janet 아퍼 says:
=D
[01:49:38] !!! says:
NIGHT SOUL SISTAAA
[01:49:42] !!! says:
im so
[01:49:43] !!! says:
dead
[01:49:44] !!! says:
XD
[01:49:45] !!! says:
night
[01:49:46] !!! says:
:)
[01:53:24] janet 아퍼 says:
<3 goodnight soul brotha hahahahahaha

Gold.

Nananana, nananana, hey hey hey, goodbye

BYE NATHAN. Have fun in Edmonton away from all the poop jokes and the viewings of Buting and I beating each other up/headlocks that I get trapped in. -edit- Of course you deserve more than a measly line and a half about poop! Thanks for being the (Nathan) Sun while Calgary still lacked the sunshine! You're special too! Despite your enjoyment in street water mist spray, "hey", that's what she said, etc. In fact, just thinking back...you were always lovely to me. All the time! HAHA... -_-. Jk. You'll be missed. Don't ditch us entirely. We shall continue sending you good concert/main performance vids for your viewing pleasure. If you share them w your Edmonton friends maybe it'll go as viral as your fave Rebecca. It'll go NATIONAL. The star will be famous. Maybe you can even get an autograph from the star if you come visit us. Do ittt!:)

Bye Maddo Madmad. January became the end of April and in 6 hours' time it will be time for you to board the flight back to Waterloo =( I miss you already. We love you and will miss you oh so much. Poor Auntie Nan. Poor Yuen girls. Poor David Bates. And poor Maddo's friends. But mostly poor Auntie Nan hahah:P Who knows, maybe the next four months will pass by as quickly as the last four did. Love from us to you!!

That is all. =(

A closer look

There's been a lot of thinking being done lately on my part about certain things in my life. Taking a semi-brief look at it (my life currently), it's kind of average I guess. Some good, some bad.

But when I actually look at it knowing that there is some good and some bad, I realize just how much of each there is. I know that the beginning of this year seems to have been pretty much a miserable time, and for a lot of people around me too. People's lives lost, jobs and school taking their toll on oneself, directions blurred. These are the big things that people tend to focus on more, but I was talking to a good friend of mine (she is leaving Calgary in 8 hours:(...moving to Ontario) and she told me about something good that had happened the previous day. It was one of the first real good things she had shared with me for a while, among the many trials she had been and is currently going through. It made me realize once again that although there are all of these things weighing us down...where is our focus on the little joys in life? For me they are the way a friend's eyes crinkle and tear up when she laughs really hard, the time in my day during which I am able to just sit and let my music flow into my ears in bliss, delicious and long breakfasts with beloved friends, mom telling me to get lost when I force a hug and kiss on her while she's reading the mail, the moment the macro on my point-and-shoot hits its focus on the point I want it to be, a lovely and unexpected generosity, a toddler just clutching his dad's forehead for dear life as he sits on dad's shoulders, the way my grande half-sweet white mocha tastes when it's just the right temperature, the vibration the guitar emanates when I have time to jam by myself, random lunches with Gdi, random visits at work from some of my favourite, favourite people...and just friends who make my heart smile. :)

Where have we lost sight in the fact that our generous God gives us so many blessings that take place every single day? Life is so much more enjoyable and amazing when such things are appreciated and treasured. It should happen more often.

Backtracking

Today I finally worded something I'd been trying to for over a year out to someone. Yess I think this is the beginning to something. Cryptic blogging ftw, lol. Anyways...

Raw-ish lame time again. About hearts lol. I know...hearts. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I haven't blogged in a while now eh. Buuut...some of you guys probably know I have a sketchbook that I kind of half turned into a notebook that I write things for myself in...things that I learn. Things from sermons, from bible studies, from SYC (Summer Youth Celebration...it's coming up again soooooon:D!!!), time alone with God, Sunday school classes, retreats, random thoughts, life, whatever. I've had a couple but I started using this one more during SYC last year when Glenn Watson was the speaker. I was just looking through it and remembering the things that I had learned from certain things that I had written and one of the things was something God said to Carl that he shared with us when he telling us his testimony: "I want your heart to show on the outside." I find this such a struggle sometimes...not because I always have a hard time (partially:P) showing it, but because...what about the whole "protecting your heart" aspect? Although you may learn to protect it to a certain extent, what about the people who happen to find the gate in the fence that is around it? I always hate it when people tell me about whatever wall they've built up around themselves and the isolation they trap themselves in, but really, if you think on the contrary...the balance between having the heart "show on the outside" and (for lack of a better way to say it) letting people have maybe too much(?) access to it is so hard to keep for me. For friends, for the guy/girl if there is one for you, for coworkers and other peers....for these people to have access to your heart...is it too much vulnerability? Can it get to be too much? For both of you in that relationship? Over the last two years...looks like it can sometimes.

I think probably a lot of people could agree with the fact that sometimes, in the last few years, mine has kind of gotten to show on the outside. I know some would say it shows too much and is maybe too easy to get to. I would have to sooort of disagree with that (although friiiggn...those who actually really get to it, seem to never lose that access or something=( even after prolonged periods of time...), because you know what? It's changed up a bit. So please stop with the hating. I'm workin' on it, kay?? Gosh.

P.S. I know I didn't really elaborate on what I think God means when He tells us to show our hearts on the outside. But I can't right now on account of my brain being outta whack.

Kthxbai.

In the eye of the beholder

You find all of your ugly meanings
in all of the things I find beautiful

You perceive all of these things
I’d never have known.

You painted me in pastel,
colors that don’t tell of any boldness.
That’s the way you’d love to see me:
so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.